Porcelain
by sendricamp
Summary: Chloe has a past. Bechloe. WARNINGS: Fic includes mentions of self-harm as well as very, very short description of self-harm.


"Chloe! Wake up!" Aubrey yelled, sitting on the edge of her friends bed and pulling her close. "Wake up! It is just a dream," she said, pressing her lips to the redheads ear. Chloe tried to push her away before opening her eyes, slowly focusing on the blonde. When it dawned on her that it was her friend, she wrapped her arms around her neck, holding tightly. "It's okay," Aubrey whispered, kissing the side of Chloe's head. "You're fine. I'm right here." Aubrey closed her eyes, trying to stop her own tears as Chloe held her tighter, starting to cry. "I promise you are okay," she whispered.

After nearly ten minutes, Chloe finally calmed herself down enough to sit up. "I'm sorry I woke you up," she choked out, wiping her eyes as Aubrey sat back. "I just.. it was just a bad dream." Aubrey nodded, going to fix the blanket where Chloe had kicked it off, her fingers accidentally hitting the redheads leg, noticing the faint scars. Chloe saw where the blonde was looking and she threw the blanket over her leg, laying back down. "Thanks for pulling me out of it.. I think I am good to go back to bed now."

Aubrey stayed in her spot, watching the redhead carefully. "Just so you know, you didn't wake me up. I couldn't seep, so I was laying on the couch reading a book," she lied, in part. She was on the couch, but she had fallen asleep with the book on her chest almost two hours before being awoken by the redheads terrified screams. Truthfully, it wasn't the first night she had calmed the redhead down, but it was the first night Chloe had actually woken up while being comforted. Aubrey could clearly remember the first time. They had only known each for about a month, and Chloe had started screaming in the middle of the night. The only thing the blonde could think to do was to wrap her arms around her friend, internally freaking out as she had calmed down. She had made it back across the room to the safety of her own bed when she heard Chloe stand up, check to see if she was sleeping, and then leave the room. She hadn't come back for two hours, and to the day Aubrey had never asked her where she went. It wasn't like it was the first time the blonde had seen scars on her friends body.

Aubrey shook her head, sitting down on the couch. She had known the nightmares were still plaguing her friend, but she had no reason to believe Chloe was hurting herself again. If the scars had been on her left leg.. the ones Chloe had shown her their first night being open with each other, it would be different.. but these were on her right leg.. and they were newer. She would let Chloe sleep off the nightmare, and ask her in the morning if there was anything she wanted to say.

She put her head in her hands, crying softly as she leaned back, thanking whatever was up there that they had decided to get an apartment together near campus after graduation. It wasn't like Chloe wanted to leave the general area of Beca anyways. Beca. Aubrey knew the spunky brunette wouldn't have been the reason for Chloe's slow slip back into her dark place. Beca knew better. Sure, she didn't know Chloe's past.. her story.. especially not the way Aubrey did.. but she knew that everyone had their secrets. And Aubrey was almost positive the twenty two year old knew not to ask too many questions on a subject that was never up for discussion.

She looked up as Chloe shuffled into the room, sitting on the couch and curling up in to her. "I can't fall back asleep," she mumbled, one arm snaking around Aubrey's waist and the other rubbing the sleep from her eyes. "The nightmares wouldn't be as scary if there were actual images in them, y'know?"

Aubrey nodded, even though she had no clue.

"I mean, it is just.. I can hear the voices of everyone who has ever put me down in life.. and it is so dark.. and I try and try to wake myself up, but I just can't, and I don't know why. I don't know why I am like this.. and I don't know why you are the only person I can talk to about it. I've been with Beca for almost four years now.. don't you think she deserves to know how fucked up I am?" The redhead couldn't hide the tears in her voice.

"I still believe the only reason you were able to open up to me that night was because we had been drinking.. and we were reveling in the fact that we were two teenagers who, despite being the youngest people on campus, had found a group of people who accepted us. The fact that we got to be roommates.. that was an added bonus, and you know it. If we had not decided to try out for the Bellas.. and had we not gotten accepted and gone to the party.. we would just have been two people forced to share a room. But we bonded, and I know you bonded with Beca, but friends are different than girlfriends. There are always things you will tell me but not her, and there are things I will always tell you and not whoever I am seeing at that time."

Chloe was silent for a moment. "Do you think Beca will leave me if I keep my past from her?"

Aubrey had never heard her friends voice so terrified. "When did you fall in love with her?"

"What does that-"

"Just answer."

"I wouldn't say it was when I barged in on her in the shower.. maybe I started feeling something when she had us in the pool singing, and how easily she got you to loosen up.. but standing on that stage.. when we won.. I just looked at her.. and I knew. I can't explain how I knew, but I knew. I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, and I was fucking lucky that she felt the same way. I couldn't stand to lose her, Bree. It would send me back.. I can't.. I refuse to live without Beca."

Aubrey wrapped her arms tightly around the redhead. "No one is asking you to," she replied, her voice soft. "I think if you don't tell Beca about your past, it can go one of two ways. Something happens, she finds out, and she runs away like a little bitch.. or something happens, she finds out, and she holds you closer to her. I've paid attention to the way she looks at you. There is nothing on this earth that you could do that would make her run from you," she mumbled, holding Chloe to her. She gently stroked Chloe's hair, listening as the womans breathing evened out, signaling that she had fallen back to sleep.

-

Aubrey liked to sit in on Bellas rehearsals. It wasn't like she had anything better to do with her life.. besides a job. But she liked to see how Beca was still running things.. how she was still breeding winners. Plus, it was now Beca's last year. Aubrey had watched the senior train a new batch of Bellas from the ground up, hand picking the ones who she saw herself in, and it amazed Aubrey. Going from someone who didn't want to be a Bella to one of the best leaders.. dare Aubrey even think it.. but the best leader, it was a large progression, and the blonde wondered if it did have anything to do with how happy Chloe made Beca.

So Aubrey would sit in on the rehearsals, and even give input when Beca requested, which as the finals neared, became much more frequent that Aubrey had expected. Occasionaly she would be joined by Chloe, some of the newer Bellas becoming much more nervous being in their presence, which gave Aubrey a sense of power that made her laugh. It was at the end of a night Chloe had skipped that Aubrey found herself walking back to the apartment, laughing at something or another with the brunette, when before she could stop herself, the words came pouring out. "Chloe really loves you, and I know it is not my place to say, but she has a past.. and it is intense.."

Beca stopped walking. "What do you mean by intense?"

"I shouldn't have even said anything, honestly, I shouldn't have. It is Chloe's story which means she should be the one to bring it up to you. So how about we just pretend that I didn't say anything?" she offered, starting to walk more briskly. "Just.. maybe it is the part of me that wants to look out for her and you. I care about Chloe and that means that I have to care about you, as well, because if anything happens to her, I am either going to have to comfort you or kill you, depending on the details."

"You are a scary woman," Beca said, chuckling as she matched the older womans pace.

"Not scary.. protective. As I have said, I care about Chloe. She is really the only person I have who loves me for me, because I know my father sure as hell wants nothing to do with me after I basically shattered his hopes and dreams by actually having a life. I want to see her happy, and I will do anything and everything in my power to make sure that she has nothing but happiness, because she is Chloe and she is special and she deserves it, understood?"

"I never thought it would have to be said. I have no intention of ever doing anything to hurt her. Sure, I have had flings and crushes, but Chloe is the first person I have ever loved.. the only person I have ever been able to see me spending the rest of life with. I've told her plenty about my situation growing up. My parents did nothing but fight from the time I was ten to the time I turned fifteen and my dad walked out because he was sick of trying to work things out with my mom. I didn't want to live with either of them so I moved in with a cousin for my last few years of high school. The only reason I came to Barden in the first place is because my dad was teaching here and that meant I got to go for free. I would have rather been in Los Angeles, but being stuck in a little college in Georgia was actually the best thing that ever happened to me in my life."

They stopped at the entrance to the apartment building, Aubrey sitting down on the front steps, seconds later joined by Beca.

"But then I met Chloe.. and I joined the Bellas.. and sure, I made it hell for you, and you gave it right back just as hard.. it was still one of the best experiences of my life. And Chloe.. she is one of the most amazing people I have ever met. The way she is so open and cheery.. she always seems so unafraid.." she trailed off.

"What?"

"The other night, when she stayed over, she almost kicked me off of the bed when I was trying to wake her up from a nightmare. It seemed really intense.. but I guess everyone has a nightmare like that every once and a while, right?"

Aubrey felt her breath catch in her throat. "Yeah," she choked out. "At some point or another I think everyone gets one." She looked up, noting that the living room light was on. "Hey, do you think I could just tell Chloe you said hi? I wanted to talk to her about something.. and.. just please say it is fine so I stop feeling like a bitch about it."

Beca chuckled. "I get it. Best friend time. I was actually gonna stop by the radio station and see if the freshie working is doing okay for the night. Tell Chloe I said hey, that I love her, and tell her to text me if she wants to grab dinner tomorrow before I go to work."

Aubrey nodded, giving the younger woman an awkward hug before rushing inside and taking the stairs two at a time. She barged into the apartment, slamming the door behind her. "You have to tell Beca about everything," she said, out of breath. "Because I just almost told her everything, because I wasn't thinking and now she knows nothing more than you have an intense past." She stopped for a second and sat down next to the stunned redhead. "Also, she says hi and that she loves you and that she wants you to text her if you want to get dinner with her tomorrow night."

"You almost told her?" Chloe snapped, standing up. "My biggest secret and you almost told my girlfriend?!"

"I stopped myself! I swear I didn't tell her any details. We were just fucking talking on the walk back here after rehearsals and it just slipped out!" she cried, putting her head in her hands. "I didn't mean to.."

Chloe slammed her fist on the table as she sat back down. "I'm not ready to tell her, Bree, what don't you get about that? It isn't like I am going to keep it from her forever, but as it stands right in this moment I am not ready to let her in that much still. It is something very close to me and it really shaped who I am, and how many times do I have to say that just because I told you, does not mean I am ready to go and tell every single person who has some semblance of meaning something to me, okay?"

Aubrey remined silent for a moment, chewing on her bottom lip before turning to Chloe. "Have you been cutting again?" she asked, her voice quiet. "Because we both know I saw the scars on your leg and we both know that they aren't old ones."

Chloe was silent.

"I would much rather you come to me and talk instead of feeling like you need to hurt yourself, Chloe. I thought we were closer than that by now." She turned away, her bottom lip finding its way between her teeth again. "I don't know what might have triggered something this time, but I really wish you would talk to me.. or to Beca."

Chloe shook her head. "I am not going to tell her anything. She doesn't need to know because it doesn't involve her, okay? Why are you pushing this issue all of a sudden?"

"Because I care about you!" Aubrey snapped. "I thought that would be pretty obvious after seven years. Now answer my first question honestly. Are you cutting again?"

"If I was," Chloe said, standing up," it would be none of your business." She turned and walked into her bedroom, slamming the door behind her. Aubrey heard the desk chair being shoved under the handle, the attempt to lock a door that had no lock.

-

"This is wrong," Stacie mumbled, her body pressing Chloe's to the wall. "So wrong." Chloe was sure she heard the taller woman giggle.

"You're right," she slurred, smirking against Stacie's neck. "We shouldn't be doing this."

Stacie let her hands slide under the hem of the redheads shirt, her fingers splaying out against the warm skin. When their lips found each other, Stacie could taste the alcohol on Chloe's breath and knew the older woman had been drinking far more than she had. "We have girlfriends," she whispered, pressing her lips to Chloe's neck, letting her teeth graze the skin.

"Stop talking, more fucking," Chloe groaned, her grip on Stacie's ass tightening.

The taller womans fingers toyed with the waistband of Chloe's jeans, her thumbs hooking into the beltloops. "I think before I fuck you, we should go somewhere a little more private," she whispered, her lips pressed against Chloe's ear. They stumbed to a bedroom in the frat house, giggling as they blocked the door to avoid any intruders.

"Should we really be doing this?" Chloe mumbled, her mouth against Stacie's neck. "We have girlfriends.. Beca.. four years," she groaned, tilting her head back as the taller woman slid her hands under her shirt, moving the fabric of her bra to massage her breasts.

Stacie pulled back, her hands still resting on the smaller womans sides. "Shut up," she mumbled. "You think too much." She lifted the shirt over Chloe's head, sqiftly removing the bra and putting her mouth over one nipple, gently biting and sucking as her right hand resumed its motions on her other breast, eliciting a low moan from the redheads throat. She pulled them to the bed, turning so the older woman was underneath her.

Chloe began fussing with the zipper on Stacie's jeans, smirking when she finally got them undone and slid them off, her hands grabbing her ass again. The taller woman placed a trail of kisses from her neck to her waist, gasping when Chloe suddenly flipped them over, one leg on either side of the brunette. She smirked as the younger woman pulled her own shirt and bra off, chest rising and falling with heavy breaths.

"I like this view," she mumbled, resting her head back on the bed. There was something about the normally meek redhead taking control that Stacie found an absolute turn on. Chloe smiled, her hands sliding from Stacie's waist to her thighs, pushing her legs apart and sliding into her without any warning, her fingers gently massaging, causing the younger woman to buck her hips and moan in pleasure. "Oh, fuck."

Chloe bit her lip, pushing away her last doubts about how wrong the whole night was and kneeled on the bed, her lips immediately finding Stacie's center, licking and sucking, moving her fingers faster with each thrust. She could feel Stacie tightening around her, causing her to slow her pace, much to the disagreement of the other woman. She kept her hand in place, placing a slow trail of kisses from her pelvic bone to her stomach to the dip between her breasts.

"Please," Stacie groaned, straining her hips against the redhead, begging for those fingers to start moving again.

"We are doing this at my pace," she replied, turning her head to the right and taking the nipple into her mouth, holding it with her teeth as she flicked her tongue over it, causing a whimper to escape Stacie's lips. She continued the motions with her mouth, slowly moving her fingers in a slow, steady rhythm, her body moving against Stacie's, feeling herself get more and more turned on as the younger womans whimpers became moans, which quickly became screams as she reached her orgasm.

"Holy.. shit.." she breathed, quickly pulling the redhead up to her, kissing her as she flipped them. Her hands snaked down the womans body, expertly undoing her jeans before pulling them, and the red underwear that had matched the previously removed bra, down and tossing them to the side, kissing her ankle. She moved slowly up the redheads leg, kissing every few inches, stopping just shy of her center before jumping to the other side and starting at the ankle again, smiling as the woman squirmed on the bed.

Stacie brought her fingers up to the wetness, easily sliding three in, causing Chloe to gasp, her back arching, begging for more contact. Moving her fingers back and forth, she put her mouth to Chloe's clit, letting her teeth graze against it, gently biting as the redhead's body jerked against her, pushing her fingers in further. She easily picked out a pattern, fingers in and out, tongue spelling out random words, and within moments she had the redhead shaking with an orgasm. She didn't stop, instead changing the motions of her fingers, her mouth still licking, biting and sucking, bringing the redhead to a second orgasm almost immediately after the first, her body tensing up as she almost growled her lovers name.

It was almost ten minutes later when Chloe finally let her head clear, suddenly jumping up and throwing her clothes on. "Where are you going?" Stacie asked, her voice groggy.

"This was a mistake. I have to go.. I have.. I just.. I can't be here," she stammered, clumsily buttoning her shirt before throwing Stacie's clothes at her. "Get dressed before I open the door. I'll walk you back to your dorm." She turned to face the wall when Stacie stood up, jumping when the taller woman put a hand on her shoulder. The left the room, ignoring the cat calls from frat boys as they made their way out of the house. They were silent on the walk to Stacie's dorm, stopping in front of it. "I have to tell Beca."

Stacie nodded. "You have a better chance of your relationship withstanding this," she whispered, looking at the ground. "I am not trying to make either of us feel any worse about this.. I know that you never saw yourself cheating.. and I know Beca won't believe it, but with me.. I want myself and Cyn to be there when you tell her.. because I don't have it in me to tell her myself.. just.. wait a few days. Let me get it through my head that I am going to lose the best thing I have ever had in my life, okay?"

Chloe nodded, watching Stacie walk into the building before turning and walking across the campus, finding herself standing in front of Beca's dorm five minutes later. She raised her hand to knock, jumping when the door opened, revealing her girlfriend with her headphones around her neck, like always. "Hey," she said, stepping aside to let Chloe in. "I saw you walking across the grass," she explained. "Kimmy Jin is out for the night, so I figured.."

"Actually, Beca, I've had a lot to drink, and I would rather just.. I just want to lay with you, okay? Can we do that? Can we just.. sleep?" she asked, her voice quiet. Beca pulled the headphones off and set them on her desk before digging out a long shirt and handing it to her girlfriend. Chloe changed quickly, climbing into the bed, quickly followed by Beca. They assumed their usual position, Beca on her side with Chloe behind her, holding her tightly. She knew Beca could hear her crying, but Chloe couldn't stop the tears, and silently, she thanked her girlfriend for not asking by placing a gentle kiss on her cheek.

-

Chloe stood in the middle of the room, her hands wringing together. "I want to start this.. start it by saying that I was drunk.. and.. and I know that.. that it is no excuse.. but the guilt is eating me alive," she started, turning her back to the three people in the room. "Stacie and I slept together at the party the other night, after you guys left." The words came out in one solid string, but from the silence, she knew that every word had been heard loud and clear. She slowly turned around, taking in the sight. Stacie was holding tightly to Cynthia's wrist, while the young woman was trying to walk from the room.. and Beca.. her Beca.. who looked so small, sitting with her hands in her lap and an unreadable expression on her face. "I'm so sorry," she whispered, falling to her knees in front of her girlfriend. Beca pulled away and stood up when Chloe reached for her.

"I get that you like sex, but I figured once you were in a solid relationship you could at least keep it under control!" Cynthia yelled, wrenching her arm from Stacie's grip. "You swore that you would be good to me, not go off and fuck someone else!" Stacie had no words, just letting the tears roll down her cheeks as she was belittled.

"Beca.. look at me.." Chloe whispered, not moving.

"You are no better than any other person on this entire fucking campus! Neither of you are!" Cynthia yelled, turning to Chloe. "I really never saw you fucking up like this, Chloe. I don't want to see either of you.. not right now and I don't know when!"

"Beca.." Chloe pleaded, her voice cracking.

Beca slowly turned, tears in her eyes. "I thought you.. I thought you were different.."

Chloe nodded, numbly turning to walk between the fighting couple and out the door.

The darkness was back again. It was slowly creeping around the edges of her mind. Slow. Steady. Her chest was hurting, and she knew she was crying. It was numbing. She couldn't feel her own body. She knew she was walking, but she couldn't feel it. The darkness was getting closer.. closer.. Beca's face in her mind, the hurt.. the disappointment.. the tears. Cynthia Rose tearing into Stacie, belittling her for making a mistake.. a mistake that Chloe intiated and a mistake the Chloe let happen. It was all on her shoulders now. She destroyed three lives, and it was always going to be her fault.

Somehow she found her way back to the apartment that she shared with Aubrey. "Chloe?" Aubrey asked, standing up from her spot on the couch as the redhead walked in. Tears were still streaming from her eyes, and she was wringing her hands together.

"All my fault.. I was stupid.. and I ruined everything.."

Aubrey grabbed Chloe's shoulders, knowing that something was going to happen.

"I mean.. it was a stupid choice.. I hurt her.. I hurt all of them.. so I have to hurt.. it is only fair," she continued, shoving Aubrey off of her so fast, it caught the blonde by surprise. She moved effortlessly into the kitchen, grabbing a knife from the counter and immediately running it along her wrist. She had made two more cuts before Aubrey pulled the knife from her hands and threw it across the room, catching the blonde as she began to fall to the floor.

"Shit.. Chloe! Chloe! Open your eyes! Baby, open your eyes!" she cried, grabbing a towel and wrapping it around the redheads wrist as tightly as she could. She carefully moved them into the living room, grabbing her cell phone and dialing 911. "I need an ambulance. My roommate just tried to kill herself.. she cut her wrist multiple times.. she is bleeding really bad." She tried to keep her voice calm as she gave the information to the operator before dropping her phone and putting all her strength into holding the towel onto Chloe's wrist. "Stay with me, Chloe, please.."

"M'sorry, Aub," Chloe mumbled, her head turning to lean against Aubrey's stomach, her eyes fluttering before closing.

-

Beca ran into the waiting room, immediately finding Aubrey's arms. "Is she okay?" she choked out, holding tightly, feeling like she was going to collapse. "I didn't know.."

"You didn't know because she was never planning on telling you." Aubrey sat them down on one of the couches, her hand gently rubbing the brunettes back. "She would always tell me she was going to tell you when she felt like the time was right, but I know she was never going to tell you. She may hate me for this, but I have to tell you." She took a deep breath. "Just weeks after meeting her, she told me about her history with self-harm. There were moments in the past four years that I know she had made more scars, but was too scared to tell anyone, even me. She was bullied in school, and that had a lasting effect on her."

Beca put her head in her hands. "Fuck."

"She came home this afternoon, mumbling.. I had never seen her like that, but I knew that it had the potential to be really bad. She shoved me out of her way, and by the time I regained my composure after that, she had already made three very deep lines in her wrist. I called an ambulance, and I tried to stop the bleeding. They said she lost a lot of blood, but she will be okay. They want to keep her under supervision for a few days, but then it is entirely up to her if she wants to get help or if she wants to just come home. What led up to her doing this?"

The smaller woman sighed, her breath shaky. "She had me, Stacie and Cynthia Rose sitting in the rehearsal space, and she told us that her and Stacie had hooked up at a party a few days ago. It pretty much destroyed Stacie and Cynthia Rose's relationship, and the only thing I said to her was that I thought she was different. She didn't even fight.. or try to explain.. she just nodded and then she left. I had tried calling her, but her phone was sitting by my backpack. Then you called me and I just.. I am mad at her, and I hate myself for that."

"Why?" Aubrey asked, concern etched into her face.

"I am pissed at my girlfriend for cheating on me, and because of that, she is laying in a hospital room with her arm all fucked up. She could have died, and I didn't tell her I love her, because she cheated on me. I want to get over it. I want to forgive her, and tell her I love her, and hold her and tell her I am not going anywhere, but I can't, because I am so.. fucking.. pissed! What kind of person does that make me?" she asked, tears running down her cheeks.

"It makes you normal," Aubrey whispered. "You can't beat yourself up for being upset at her. You didn't know she would react this way, so you acted like any person would when hit with betrayal. But I know you still care about her, because you are here right now, and that is what counts. When you see her, tell her what you told me.. tell her you are mad, but that you do want to work through it. Let her know you want to try, and that you aren't just going to run the fuck away, got it?"

Beca nodded, wiping her eyes. "I don't want to see her alone. I can't," she whispered, and it almost broke Aubrey's heart to see the normally emotionless young woman almost falling to pieces in front of her. She nodded, her hand linking in Beca's and pulling her up, leading the way down the hall to the room the redhead had to herself. "Hi," Beca whispered, taking the steps towards the bed, still holding on to Aubrey's hand.

"What, are you cheating on me with her?" Chloe said, her voice quiet.

"Don't.. I was too scared to come in here by myself. Aubrey told me the vague outline of everything.. of this," she whispered, her fingers gently running over the bandage on Chloe's left wrist. "If I had known.."

"Whatever," Chloe said, her tone clipped. "Just run away, because we both know that is what you are good at, and you have more than likely been looking for a reason to anyways. I just gave you one."

Beca shook her head, pushing Aubrey away from them, waiting until she heard the door click. "Chloe, I am not going anywhere. Yes, I am pissed. But that does not mean I am going to leave you. I care about you, I got here as soon as I could once Aubrey called me. I want us to find a way to work past this. Yes, I will always remember what you did, but I know.. given time.. I can work to forgive you. You said being drunk was no excuse, and I am not telling you I think it was, but I know under any other circumstance, you would not have done what you did."

"Why?" she asked, finally returning her eyes to Beca's.

"I love you, Chloe. And instead of looking at this like the end, I see it as a hurdle in our relationship that is only going to make us stronger. I would not be able to have that outlook if you were not in my life. For fucks sake, Chloe, you twisted everything I thought I believed in. I never wanted to love, but then you stroll into my life and everything changes. I feel like I can do things. I have faith in myself and my dreams, because you believed in me. It sounds so cliche now, but it is the truth. No, it didn't take you almost dying to get me to realize it, because I have known it and in my mind I have been running from it for the longest time. But I don't want to try and run anymore."

Chloe readjusted herself on the bed, sitting up more as Beca gently held on to her hands. "Beca.."

"Let me finish. I have to get this out." She took a deep breath. "You are the only person who believed in me from the first time you met me.. my own parents haven't even done that.. and I've realized no matter how much I think I want to, I never want to leave you. This afternoon, I almost did. I almost told you we were done. But then I realized, I don't want that. I don't want to be without you, ever. I want to love you, and protect you, and always, always be there when you come home. Chloe, I am head over heels in love with you, alright? I want to work past this, and I want you to marry me."

The redhead closed her eyes for a moment, her mouth opening and closing a few times before she met Beca's eyes again. "Did.. did you just propose?" she asked. "After what I told you today.. you still proposed?"

Beca nodded, smiling. "Chloe, will you marry me? I don't have a ring.. I don't really have anything.. but I want you, and maybe.. maybe still having me is enough for you," she whispered, reaching up to wipe the tears from the redheads eyes. "Please don't leave me hanging."

Chloe choked out a laugh, putting her right hand around the back of Beca's neck and pulling the brunette to her, kissing her softly before pulling back just slightly, their foreheads resting together. "I would love to marry you," she replied, smiling.

-

"Are you sure she is going to be fine staying here?" Chloe asked, sitting on their couch with Aubrey. "I know you two still don't get along that well.."

Aubrey nodded, bringing her can of soda to her mouth before answering. "Chloe, she is going to be here when I am not, and I will be here when she isn't. I think we will be fine. You turned down a facility, and we don't want you alone. Have you and her actually talked things out beyond whatever she said to you in the hospital?"

Chloe shook her head, pulling the blanket tighter around her. "No."

"Can I know what you two did talk about?"

The redhead smiled, covering her face with the blanket before muttering, "she asked me to marry her."

The blonde almost spit out her soda, sitting up. "She proposed?! Five days ago?! And you are just now thinking to tell me?!" she exclaimed, her voice octaves higher than Chloe really thought was needed. They both looked up as the front door opened, Beca setting her backpack on the floor by the nightstand.

"Am I interrupting something?" she asked, an unsure smile on her face.

Aubrey stood up, chuckling. "No, no. Uh, congrats on your engagement!" she said, the smile still on her face. "I am going to go see a movie, you two have fun." She grabbed her keys from the table and disappeared out the door. Beca turned to look at Chloe, who was still bundled up in the blanket.

"Sorry I haven't been around. Finals were kicking my ass," she said, sitting down on the couch.

"It's fine." She sat up, covering Beca with the other end of the blanket. "Why, just hours after finding out I cheated on you, did you ask me to marry you?" she asked, her voice quiet.

"Because I love you."

Chloe shook her head. "No, I need better than that."

"Better than that? Chloe, that's the truth! I love you. I want to marry you."

The redhead looked at her, silent.

"Okay, so I am a little pissed off. You spent the past four years hurting, and you couldn't think to let me in. I wasn't going to run anywhere, Chloe. I would have been there for you, but you decided to shut me out, and that fucking hurts. Yes, you cheated. Once. And the fact that you didn't hide it.. you told me.. you couldn't hide it, that speaks volumes about this."

"The only reason you realized it was because I tried to kill myself."

Beca stood up, running her hands through her hair. "For fucks sake, Chloe! Why would you even think that?! How many times have I told you I loved you in the past four years? I've lost count. I never knew why, but I always felt like saying it when you looked like you could use a smile, because I know how happy it fucking made you that you had me.. that you got me to fall in love. Why in the fuck would I have spent the time getting to know you, falling in love with you.. I had been planning a fucking proposal for almost a year! I was going to do it after rehearsals that night, and you just threw me a little off track. I never once questioned if I wanted to marry you or not, even after you told me the truth. I found the one person in this world that loves me for me, through all of my faults, and all I fucking want her to do is realize that I am not leaving! I am not going anywhere! You can't fucking get rid of me, Chloe, because.. fuck! I have put so much work into this relationship.. and you are the one that seems so fucking hellbent on pushing me away! You don't want me around because you think I am only here because of your little stunt?"

Chloe looked at the floor, her hands gripping together tightly. Beca could see the woman was crying, but she couldn't stop.

"I want to be there for you!" Beca yelled, her voice definitely carrying through the apartment. "That is all I have wanted, and you won't let me! Why won't you let me fucking be there for you? Do you not want me to? Do you want me to walk out the door and never come back? Because if you had achieved your goal that night, Chloe, it would have destroyed me. I don't know if I would have killed myself, but I definitely would have been hurting. No one would be able to console me, Chloe. Because I wouldn't have you, and that means my whole world is fucked. I need you in my life, no matter what. You make it easier to be me. What more do you fucking want from me?" she shouted, tears running down her cheeks as Chloe finally looked up at her.

Her mouth opened for a moment, closing just as quick as she took a deep breath. "I.. Beca.."

Beca dropped to her knees in front of the redhead, taking both of her hands in hers. "Please," she pleaded, tears still in her eyes. "Just tell me what you want, Chloe. Anything. I will give you anything you want if you just let me in."

"I tried to kill myself when I was fifteen, because I had spent four years listening to my classmates telling me that I should. They told me how I wasn't good enough to be alive, and I believed them, because deep down, I believed it myself. I still believe it. It only gets worse with you in my life, because you are the exact opposite of them. You want me here, and no one besides Aubrey ever really has. I just.. I don't want to lose you, Beca, because of some stupid mistake I made when I was drunk!" she cried, letting sobs wrack her body as Beca wrapped her arms around her.

"I thought I just made it very clear that I am not going anywhere, especially not without you. This is all I need, Chloe, right here. You next to me, being honest with me. I don't need you feeling like you need to hide things from me, definitely not when they are this important. So, will you please believe me when I tell you that I want to marry you, and I want to be with you?" she asked, kissing the side of her girlfriends head.

Chloe nodded, wiping the tears from her eyes. "I am a fucking mess."

"You are," Beca said, turning so she was facing the woman, "but you are my fucking mess, and if you don't want me to try and fix you, I won't. How about you just promise me that you understand that if I push you on something, or I challenge what you think on how much your life is worth, you listen to me, because I love you. I do it because I love you. I am still here because I love you. Do you understand?"

"I understand."

Beca lifted Chloe's left arm, gently running her fingers over the bandage. "I never want to see this again, Chloe. Looking at this makes me want to cry more than I already have today. I know we have a lot to talk about, but I can see that you might not be up for that.."

"I just want your arms around me," she whispered, leaning in to Beca, her hands gripping the fabric of the other womans shirt tightly. "I just want you."


End file.
